Ending the Jihad
We’re not stopping Islam with guns so, let’s try laughs.
Another day, another Muslim killing a bunch of non-Muslims or not-Muslim-enough-Muslims, and after our best diplomatic and military efforts, nothing has changed, the problem seems intractable, because we’re using the wrong tools. We’ve carefully missanalyzed the problem and, blinders on, we’re heading in the wrong direction.
We’ve done this for two reasons:
- We’re politically correct.
- We’re predisposed to define problems to fit our solutions.
The solutions nation states use in dealing with problems of foreign aggression are diplomatic and military. Thus, the problem of violence perpetrated in the name of Islam must be dealt with diplomatically or militarily, which hasn’t worked because Islam isn’t a nation state, it’s a belief system and behavioral code.
One cannot defeat a belief system by being nice to it or threatening to kill it. One defeats a belief system by discrediting it. That’s what we must do.
Why laughs?
If you’re failing to see the humor in mass shootings, frenzied stabbings, homicide vests, beheadings, crucifixions and immolations, I understand. You’re right, but one doesn’t discredit a belief system by dwelling on its successes. One must discredit them and the beliefs from which they spring.
Each gruesome spectacle with which Islam has gifted us is a tragedy for the victims and families and communities. Not only do they die, often painfully, but they’re deprived of the chance to tell their loved ones goodbye, or die with dignity or courage. They die instantly or they’re drugged and made to appear passive, helpless, hapless in the hands of their heroic, swashbuckling executioners.
That’s the intent.
The videos are meant to flood the arena of social media with the impression that Islam is winning, it’s crushing and humiliating its enemies, who are so weak they deserve the humiliation, so pathetic they’re not worthy of empathy, so pitiful they’re not even worth pity.
They allowed themselves to be killed so, they deserved to be killed.
There are around a billion-four-hundred-million Muslims in the world, all of whom by virtue of their five times daily pledge of obedience to Muhammad and Allah, pay at least lip service to the righteousness of Jihad and the necessity of killing or enslaving infidels, non-Muslims…us, and under the right conditions, they act on that righteousness.
Tens of thousands have already paid their way to the Middle East to get in on the free and unfettered killing of non-Muslims, and of those remaining, an unknown percent will embark on their personal Jihads in their own time and from wherever in the world they happen to be.
Television is full of inexpert experts wishfully calling them lone wolves, or domestic terrorists, or radical Islamists, agendaists striving to connect them to ISIL or avoid connecting them to ISIL depending on whether there’s a record of contact, but these experts and agendaists are either willfully ignorant or missing the point.
It doesn’t matter if two Muslims have never met or spoken or shared an SMS, they know what to do, they have their orders, they have the same play book, it’s called the Holy Quran, and it gives them their instructions. They have some leeway to choose their individual assignments and time frames, and they have the freedom to light their own fuses, but light them they must, because the Quran tells them to.
Omar Mateen’s fuse just burned down.
Whether he was disappointed because he couldn’t be a cop, or because his marriage was unhappy, or because he was gay, or because he feared his family would discover he was gay, or he’d just been jilted by a lover or he’d racked up one too many speeding tickets — his personal fuse burned down and his personally chosen assignment was to kill as many infidels as he could.
He didn’t do it because Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi told him to, he did it because the Quran told him to.
He did it because he was gay, a mortal Islamic sin and, his only route to paradise was to martyr himself while killing unbelievers. That the forty-nine unbelievers he killed were likely gay might have been a bonus in his and Islam’s eyes, but it wasn’t necessary, nor was it the goal. The goal was to kill infidels. Those were his orders, straight from the Quran. How, when and where he did it was up to him.
This is the lurking threat posed by apparently peaceful Muslims.
Their holy book orders them to kill infidels and rewards them for doing so. Even if they’re not inclined to be Jihadis, when something in their lives goes wrong or someone incites them, martyrdom, being killed while killing infidels is the honorable, admirable way out. Omar Mateen went from sinner, doomed to everlasting hell, to celebrated Jihadi warrior in one night by killing infidels.
The most fitting term for apparently peaceful Muslims is Sleeper Jihadis who, when an especially attractive target presents itself, or when life disappoints or when Jihadi peer pressure tips their hands, will light their own fuses and drive up the street, shooting at pedestrians or, shoot up a military recruiting office or take banned guns to the base gymnasium and kill their fellow soldiers, or take illegally purchased weapons to the office Christmas party and kill the coworkers who have just thrown them a baby shower, or—
— go to the nearest gay club and one by one shoot unarmed people with whom they had previously socialized, until the ammo runs out because there were so many to kill and it took the police so long to storm the club.
Mateen couldn’t kill himself, another mortal sin. He had to wait for the police to martyr him so he could get his free pass to paradise. How many victims bled to death while the SWAT team waited, negotiated, not comprehending, he wasn’t holding hostages, he just wanted them to come in and shoot him so, he could die a martyr.
Allah-u-akbar!
And before the blood dries, millions of young people all around the world will read his posts and download his pre-massacre selfies and watch his anti-western rants and message each other about how cool was the cute Muslim was who killed all the boring, ordinary non-Muslims.
We appear to have entered a post-moral age. One in which those young enough to have had their sensibilities completely dulled by the games they play and what they see every day on the web, instead of judging the perps for taking innocent lives, judge the premassacre and massacre videos for their cool factors and production values, as though they’re watching video games.
“Did you see him cut that guy’s head off? Did you see the blood? Cool!”
Although Islam embraces post-morality, most of us aren’t Muslim and post-morality has been with us for awhile. Maybe we’re desensitized to suffering because virtual reality is becoming so real and, reality is becoming so virtual. Everything’s on the web. Maybe we’re seeing even the moral obscenity of the execution videos as a slightly less cool but, more real version of a video game.
When nineteen year old Robert Hawkins shot up a shopping mall in Omaha, wounding four and killing eight, before police arrived and he ended his teenage tantrum in the now all-too-familiar way, by shooting himself in the head, he left a suicide note, saying he wanted out of his meaningless life and “just want to take a few pieces of shit with me.”
You might think he was getting even with people who’d wronged him but, not so. He knew none of the twelve pieces of shit he shot, nor did they know him.
“Just think tho, I’m going to be fucking famous!” They lost their dreams, their loves, their families and their lives so an unhappy teenager could have his fifteen minutes of fame. That was nine years ago and, had I not named him, none of you would know who he was. Eight people died so he could be completely forgotten.
Tragic, right? Not nearly as tragic as his teenage friends’ reactions. They defended him. One explained to reporters it was all good because “He wanted to go out like a star.” Another of his friends threatened to kill a girl who, post-massacre, called Hawkins out for killing strangers just before Christmas. (Would it be OK if he’d killed people he knew or waited til after Christmas?)
To his teenage friends, Hawkins’ mass murder was OK because it was “cool.” The lives lost or ruined didn’t matter because, “he went out in style.”
It’s this failure of our own, fully westernized young people to make moral judgments and their refusal to see as human their fellow humans that worries me. Moral failure is the bleeding edge of the Muslim scimitar. It’s what the Jihadis want, the crack that lets them in the door and, the Quran codifies it.
Islam is wrong! Islam is evil — and we must make that judgement!
The Holy Quran, seventy-seven-thousand-nine-hundred-thirty-four words that reduce all but the most fervent Muslims to a status less than human and legitimize almost any degree of violence and cruelty, as long as it’s committed in Allah’s name upon humans who are infidels or less than fervent Muslims.
Jihad is not a personal journey through fields of moral inquiry. It is the holy and wholly violent, nonnegotiable obligation of all good Muslims to kill or enslave all non-Muslims.
In case you misread, that was kill or enslave all non-Muslims.
Jihad is not war as you’ve known it because Islam is not religion as you’ve known it. There are no noncombatants and there is no Geneva Convention. The Quran is a seventh century guide to tribalism and, Jihad is tribal war and, in tribal war there are no rules about what you must do for, or cannot do to the enemy, anything is allowed against everyone who isn’t of your tribe.
Tribal war was and, still is about Us and Them, about killing or imposing Our will on Them and taking what was Theirs and making it Ours, not because They have done anything to Us but, simply because They aren’t Us.
Islam is a tribe and the Quran doesn’t just condone Muslims imposing their wills on us, the Non-Islam, it commands them to do so.
Islam bedevils Americans because we are used to Christianity, Judaism, Mormonism or, if we’re really exotic, Hinduism or Buddhism or Moonism, passive religions that won’t even impose their wills on their own believers, much less on nonbelievers.
We cannot get our heads around a religion that, instead of ordering “thou shall not kill” orders “thou shall kill — all who aren’t us” condemning to slavery or death all nonbelievers.
Islam even has a word for the non-Muslim survivors of the Jihad— Dhimmis, and a word for their status — Dhimmitude. They’re allowed to live if they pay the jizya tax. The first year’s jizya bankrupts them, forcing them to sell their families the second year, and become slaves themselves the third. This is the future Muslims proclaim for those of us whom they don’t kill during the Jihad.
Dhimmitude. It has a ring to it, kind of like Untermensch.
We don’t want to understand or even imagine such a religion and, we’re defenseless against it because our founders wrote the Constitution to protect one of the most passive religions on earth (Christianity, whose members fled from persecution rather than fight it.) from an aggressive government - not to protect the most aggressive religion on earth (Islam, whose members have conquered a fifth of the world.) from the most passive government on earth (ours) unable to ban anything calling itself a religion.
So, we have a government paralyzed by its founding document and years of doctrine, protecting a death cult that’s following a seventh century manual for tribal war that openly proclaims its long term strategic goal — to kill or enslave us all, so its members can get their tickets to heaven punched.
Allah-u-akbar!
We’re witnessing history’s most inspired use of political and military duplicity, better than the Trojan Horse since, not only are Muslims using subterfuge to destroy us, they’re using our laws to ensure we don’t stop their subterfuge or our destruction.
We are protecting a group of people who’ve sworn, some publicly, all privately, to kill us!
“My religion orders me to kill infidels.”
“Have you killed anyone yet?”
“No. I’m still waiting for the perfect opportunity.”
“Well, that’s OK then, as long as you haven’t killed anyone yet.”
It’s like the FBI swearing hands off the KKK between lynchings because Klan members carry Bibles!
“My interpretation of my religion allows me to hang niggers, Jews and Republicans.”
“Have you hung any today?”
“Ain’t seen one yet.”
“Well, that’s OK then, as long as you haven’t hung anyone yet.”
You’re struggling with this characterization of Muslims as essentially violent because all the Muslims you know are nonviolent, right? Wasn’t Muhammad Ali a Muslim?
More correctly, he was a jack-Muslim. In an Islamic country, surrounded by real Muslims, his hand would have been forced. Imposing Islam, engaging in Jihad, is mandatory for all able bodied Muslims. It’s in the Quran, in so many words, only those physically unable to fight are allowed to not kill infidels.
Believing in Islam except for Jihad is like believing in the Bible except for the Ten Commandments or, being a Catholic except for the infallible Pope.
I’ve yet to meet a peaceful American Muslim who can square what he says he believes with what the Quran says he believes, and what’s the point of being religious if you don’t believe in what your religion says? American converts to Islam seem to embrace the label but ignore the contents, as though they chose Islam because they simply didn’t want to associate with Christians. Is Islam that cool and Christianity that uncool?
Islam is not cool. Islam is not and, never has been the religion of peace, it’s the religion of torture, death and war.
The Quran says kill or enslave the infidels; not just a few Jews in Israel or some gays in Orlando or Catholics in Boston, everyone. Everyone who isn’t a fervent Muslim is an infidel, which means the Quran marks ninety-nine percent of Americans for slavery or death and your friendly neighborhood Muslim is supposed to make that happen.
But, you won’t be able to tell that by asking him. If he admits he’s plotting to enslave or kill you, he’s a bad Muslim. It’s called Taqiiya, strategic lying. Allah orders his believers to lie to nonbelievers about what they believe and what they’re doing. Jihad is to be kept secret until it can succeed. If your friendly neighborhood Muslim spills the beans too soon, he’s a bad Muslim.
ISIL and the video executioners, on the other hand, are the best of Muslims. They’re following the Islamic script to the letter and giving you a preview of Act 2. Act 2, endless, endemic violence is what happens when Muslims have achieved the numbers and acquired the weapons to succeed.
If we want to avoid Act 2, and our government can’t escape its Constitutional paralysis, then it’s up to us. Our governments aren’t going to kill one-point-four-billion Muslims (who, on the other hand, have no such compunctions about killing us) because one-point-four-billion is a lot of people.
And, even though our governments should know the danger, against all odds and evidence, they hope something will happen that hasn’t happened in fourteen-hundred years…Muslims will quit killing everyone else.
If we’re not going to try to kill them, but we don’t want to let them kill us, and we don’t want to abandon civilization and go back to the seventh century, we need a different way to stop them.
That’s where the humor comes in.
Let’s present Islam to the world as something so embarrassing, so ridiculous, so uncool no one will want to be a Muslim. Let’s do to Islam what Broadway did to Mormonism.
It will be easy! All we have to do is tell the truth!
There’s no religion on earth as funny as Islam except maybe Scientology, but how would we know? Scientology is secret. Islam, on the other hand, has left its laundry hanging out for all to see, if we have the courage to look, and it will take some courage, telling the truth about Islam will get you a fatwa, but the alternative is killing a billion-four-hundred-million people.
You can try Armageddon if you want. I’d rather try humor first.
The Wizard of Islam?
Ext. Temple — Day
CROWD NOISE as coins CLINK into a cup and, a carny-like PRIEST lures religious tourists into his temple.
CUT TO: Envious, MUHAMMAD fingers his beard and watches from across the street.
You know why Muhammad came up with Islam, right? He was living in Mecca, hometown to lots of greater and lesser gods and, a destination for religious tourists who’d travel from far and wide to pay their respects, deliver their offerings to their fave gods and buy religious trinkets from their priests and prophets and godly representatives in human form — barkers.
Religion was to Mecca then as it is now — big business.
Muhammad might have been an illiterate Arab, but he wasn’t completely stupid — he’d married up. Khadija, his wife was older, but she had money. Yeah baby, lots of money! But, it was her money, and her house, and her business, and Mecca was her town.
Think Muhammad might have had an ego problem? Illiterate orphan to boy toy, with no status, nothing to call his own, living in her house in her town.
Everyone has feelings!
So what if he had nothing and couldn’t read or write? He wanted respect, he deserved respect, he demanded respect but, how to get respect in Mecca?
Religion...yeah, that’s the ticket — religion!
Muhammad wanted in on Mecca’s biggest game, but the gods only needed so many priests and prophets, and there were no openings, so he was out of luck until someone died or someone came up with a new god...a new god…a new god…….that’s it, a new god!
He left home and, camped out in a cave for awhile, communing with the angel Gabriel, who, like Harvey, Jimmy Stewart’s giant rabbit, appeared only to his buddy, Muhammad. No matter how many other people were present, for the rest of Muhammad’s life nobody but Muhammad could or would ever see or hear Gabriel — only Muhammad.
The Big Pooka must have taken a shine to him because Gabriel gave Muhammad the god he needed to get his R E S P E C T. Muhammad came back to Mecca with a god that was his and his alone…
…the Great and Powerful Allah!
Picture Frank Morgan in The Wizard of Oz, wearing a dishdasha, without the smoke and mirrors.
Yes, Islam was a scam and Muhammad was Professor Marvel, but Professor Marvel had trouble getting Oz excited about the new Wizard.
Back then gods were like websites now, they had to be promoted. Muhammad might have made a place for himself and prospered in Mecca’s religious hierarchy had not Khadija, his better 99%, and steadying influence died.
We’ll never know how history might have changed had she outlived him, whether she’d have been able to temper his temper and socialize him, but she didn’t and couldn’t and once she was gone it took no time for Muhammad to get in trouble with his fellow priests and prophets.
Instead of learning the religious ropes and cooperating and promoting everyone else’s gods and getting them to promote TG&P Allah, one day he lost his temper with his fellow prophets, and in a fit of pique, declared Allah to be not just TG&P but, TO&O (The One and Only) god, denouncing all the other gods as fakes and other prophets as frauds which, if they’d allowed it to go unchallenged would have meant…the rest of Mecca’s religious industry would end, and the rest of Mecca’s priests and prophets would be…out of work!?
Faux pas enorme. Excusez-moi, je suis temporairement fou.
The Meccans, who’s fortunes and livelihoods he’d threatened asked him to leave (I’m being polite here, they ran him out of town.) and, in an episode known as the Hijra, Muhammad and his little band of followers set out into the Arabian desert.
Which brings us to the…
End of Act 1.
Good so far? Act 2 is better, think Hannibal Lecter’s Big Adventure.
Ext. Desert — Day
Muhammad and a small band of followers trudge under the white hot sun. Khadija’s ghost trudges with them. Muhammad tries talking to her but she shuts him up. She’s hot and dirty and pissed off. What could she have been thinking? OK, she knew he was illiterate, she married him for his looks but, who could have imagined this? Her money, her home, her social status all gone because the big dufus couldn’t keep his mouth shut.
At least she was dead so, she didn’t have to live with the embarrassment.
Got the picture? Act 1 ends on a downer and Act 2 is sinking like a stone. Something good better happen soon or this won’t be much of a comedy.
They top a ridge and look down at Medina, a shady oasis in a sea of rocks and sand, smaller than Mecca but pretty and, even though we all know beggars can’t be choosers, Muhammad hesitates.
He can’t decide what to do. Remember, he’s been a boy toy, living off his wife, whose ghost is seriously tired of walking, tired of the hot sun and, most of all, tired of the moron she married. “Look, stupid, you’ve got one chance. Go down there and make friends with them, now, or I’ll haunt you for the rest of your life!”
Remember, we’re looking for something humorous? Well, look no further. Muhammad gets himself kicked out of Mecca, trudges through the desert with the angry ghost of his wife and his band of followers who want to give up and go back but he can’t go back because - he’s pissed off everyone in Mecca. He’s on his last legs and who runs the only town within a hundred miles?
Jews! The Jews are going to save the founder of Islam. God, Yahweh, Allah, whatever you want to call him, is obviously a comedian!
I know, you’re thinking, didn’t Muhammad hate Jews?
CLOSE ON MUHAMMAD: He breaks the fourth wall, straight into the camera: “Jews? What’s a Jew? Kidding. Jews are OK. In fact, these Jews, they’re better than OK. They don’t know it yet but they’re going to be my best friends!”
He and Allah didn’t hate Jews until later. It wasn’t until the exact moment he had defeated the Meccans in battle and heard the rumor about the fortune in Jewish gold buried in the desert that the Great and Powerful Allah revealed to Muhammad that the very same Jews that had taken him in and given him shelter when he was about to die in the desert were now dogs, to be tortured to death or, at least until they revealed the location of their golden treasure.
God, what a hoot! Duplicity, deceit, torture and murder, Islam is too much!
Yes, Muslims hate Jews because fourteen-hundred years ago, a tribe of Jews refused to fight another tribe of people who weren’t their enemies and failed to give up their buried treasure and forced Muhammad to murder them all so he could take what was theirs or…
…maybe there wasn’t really a treasure after all because, down to the last one, the Jews died denying there was a treasure.
You don’t suppose those sneaky Jews made it all up, just to trick him into torturing them all to death to make him look bad?
Sneaky Jew bastards!
Fourteen-hundred years later and the sneaky Jew bastards haven’t changed a bit, they’re still tricking Muslims into killing them for no reason…but, we’re getting ahead of ourselves.
Imagine desperate, henpecked, about to be haunted for life, Muhammad meeting with Medina’s Jewish elders, who’re going to decide whether to let him into the city or tell him to keep on walking until he drops.
Int. Council Room — Day
Muhammad’s doing his best “We’re just like you!” act.
“You pray to where, Jerusalem? Jews pray to Jerusalem? Allah be praised! What a coincidence, we pray to Jerusalem too! Allah’s favorite city. How do you spell that? J E R U S A L E M?”
“Really? You don’t eat pork? Jews don’t eat pork? No? No pork? I mean the meat from a pig. No? You don’t eat the meat from a pig?”
Muhammad struggles with this one, because…what the hell is wrong with these Jews? What’s wrong with pork?
“Not even ribs?”
Crap, not even ribs. He bites his favorite pork eating hand and finally…
…“Imagine that, we don’t eat pork either…not even, Allah be praised… ribs.”
In spite of Muhammad’s act, after awhile the Jews figured out Allah wasn’t Yahweh and Muhammad’s new religion wasn’t really Judaism, but being friendly and tolerant folks, and not knowing then what we know now, they told Muhammad he and his friends could stay —
— as long as they kept the Great and Powerful Allah to themselves.
You know how this goes, right? One by one, Muhammad and his guys sneakily murder the elders and anyone else who might oppose them, then they terrorize the rest of the town into submission and, now that they’re in control, start raiding caravans, stealing from their former Meccan friends and, to be honest, anyone else because —
— stealing from people who aren’t in your tribe isn’t stealing, really, it’s just Allah’s way of redistributing wealth!
We’re lucky Muhammad and the guys turned to a life of crime, it makes Act 2 so much better.
Imagine, one day we’re at Muhammad’s house and the guys come back from raiding a caravan, a Meccan caravan with a huge, and I mean huge pile of loot, more loot than any of them have ever seen before, more loot than any of them could imagine…
…on the day Muhammad decided to skip the raid and stay home— the silly bastards come back with more money than he’s ever seen in his life!
A lesser man might have looked at that pile of loot and wondered what he’d done wrong, why him, why today, Great and Powerful Allah? But, Muhammad was not a lesser man.
Int. Muhammad’s House — Day
Muhammad stares at the huge pile of loot, spazes out and goes into a now-familiar trance and Gabriel appears and talks to him, but only him, (just like Harvey appeared and talked to Jimmy Stewart but nobody else) and they all stare at Muhammad just like everyone in the movie stared at Jimmy Stewart.
Muhammad opens his eyes and: “The Great and Powerful Allah decrees that starting today I, his favorite prophet will receive twenty percent of everything stolen…acquired by my…his followers!”
The guys shuffle their feet and look at their shoes and, then look at each other like “Hey, that’s not fair, the sonofabitch wasn’t even there!” but in the end most of them hand over the twenty percent to Muhammad and…later that night someone shows up and murders the ones who didn’t.
Lesson learned. From then on, Muhammad got twenty percent of everything they looted from the infidels.
Oh, and in the middle of the divying up the loot discussion they forgot to mention a few of the guys got killed in the raid, but it was OK because:
“Who got killed? Abdul? Abdul? Beautiful wife Abdul? The same Abdul who’s got the beautiful wife?”
The guys all nod.
Muhammad, with great magnanimity: “The Great and Powerful Allah has told me to take Abdul’s wife as my own and to ravage her and ensure his bloodline will continue…through me…never mind, Allah has spoken!”
So, while his followers were limited to four wives (but an unlimited number of slave mistresses) Allah imposed no such limits on Muhammad, and it became his habit to collect the wives of his warriors who failed to pass GO.
But, the monster caravan raid pissed off the Meccans, who decided it was time to deal with their old prophet buddy turned marauding, murdering thief, Muhammad.
Oh, oh…Muhammad’s worried. The Meccans outnumber him. He asks the Jews he’s been terrorizing and killing to help him fight the Meccans he’s been terrorizing and killing.
But, the Jews, being two-faced, sneaky bastards say “Listen, Muhammad, about all these caravans you’ve been robbing…unlike your Great and Powerful Allah, Yahweh gave us these rules we call The Ten Commandments, and one of them says “Thou shalt not steal!” which I know sounds kind of stilted and old-timey but, it’s the rule, and that’s why, when you go raiding caravans, we stay home and tend our date trees, not because we’re chicken, but because Yahweh gave us the word and…and…and that’s why we’re not going to help you. This is not our fight. In fact, we’ve been getting along fine with the Meccans for hundreds of years.”
CLOSE ON MUHAMMAD: He does a slow burn. We know what this look means.
He’s going to kill every last Yahweh-loving, Yarmulke-wearing one of them. If it’s the last thing Muhammad ever does, these Jew bastards are going to get theirs!
And, miracle of miracles, or because the Muslims had been practicing their fighting tactics on caravans, or because the Meccans were fighting for money, while the Muslims were fighting for their lives, Muhammad won, and the surviving Meccans hoofed it back to Mecca.
So, what does Muhammad do to celebrate? He repays the Jews’ previous hospitality in his time of need by luring them out of their homes, a few at a time, and beheading them in the town square, six-hundred in one night.
Allah-u-akbar!
Ext. Medina Town Square — Night
Four of Muhammad’s guys frog march a pair of hooded Jews, slip-sliding across the cobblestones.
They stop and pull off the hoods.
The Jews see the cobbles awash in blood and hundreds of Jewish heads piled up in a pyramid in the middle of the square.
Remember this scene because, this very same scene is going to play itself out thousands of times over the next thirteen-hundred years, from Medina to Morroco to France and India, Muhammad’s peeps killing huge numbers of humans, hundreds of millions, Jews, Christians, Buddhists, Hindus, atheists, animists, people for whom we don’t even have names, whose only offense was not being Muhammad’s peeps.
Muhammad and the guys sold some of the Jewish girls and women as slaves and banished some to the desert and tortured the rest to death. Seem harsh? How would you repay someone who took you in when you were desperate? He had to do it…
Robbery, torture, death and destruction, it’s all in the book, right?
That’s Muhammad and that’s Islam. As soon as he doesn’t need the Jews anymore, Muhammad decrees all that “Allah and Islam are tolerant and let’s be friends” stuff passe, and he and the guys prepare to finish off his old priest and prophet buddies in Mecca.
But they don’t attack, instead they strike a treaty with the Meccans, including a clause allowing Meccans to migrate to Medina and Medinans to migrate to Mecca — open borders!
The Meccans are thinking, “Why the hell would we want to live in Medina, it was OK when the Jews were there, but now, it’s a shit-hole?” but they sign, not realizing what’s coming because they aren’t nearly as devious as Muhammad…as devious as Muhammad…as devious as Muhammad……
…that’s where I’d end Act 2 because, we’ve temporarily released all the dramatic tension, but unless you’re Angela Merkel or another European or American politician who’s happy to let the Islamic Trojan Horse in the gate, you know this isn’t going to end well…you can guess what’s coming...you know this guy’s never going to let this go until…
…and you’re right, one by one, Muhammad’s followers migrate back to Mecca and live in apparent peace and harmony among the unsuspecting Meccans, until there are enough of them living inside Mecca’s walls to…
Think the plot’s good so far? You have no idea…
I left out the part where Muhammad visits Zaynab, the beautiful new wife of his adopted son, and in an incredible coincidence, that very night Allah sends Gabriel, the Great Pooka, down to tell Muhammad, his humble servant, that the stunning young woman that just appeared in his life, even though she’s already married to someone else, is his…yes, he’s supposed to take her to be his own, well, one of his own.
I also left out the part where Muhammad sees Aisha, a beautiful little six year old girl, and in another incredible religious coincidence, that very same night Gabriel The Invisible comes down again to tell Muhammad the six year old girl who just appeared in his life is his, he’s supposed to marry her!
“Yes, you heard me oaf, marry her.”
“Even though she’s only six years old?”
You know Muhammad didn’t ask that, right? You know he was dying to marry the world’s cutest little six year old, right? But, why would Allah suggest a man in his fifties marry a six year old girl?
Never you mind. Allah works in mysterious ways.
Ordinarily you might think Aisha’s father would object, but her father, Abu Bakr knew Muhammad, and knew what happened to people who said “no” to him, and what’s a guy to do when the Great and Powerful Allah writes it in the permanent holy record, it’s got to be true, right?
I mean, the stuff in the Quran, the book of life, couldn’t possibly be there just so Muhammad could get his hands on whatever he wanted, could it…?
Of course, he didn’t actually consummate the marriage until she was much older…nine, so, that was OK, right? And, if you were wondering where this tradition of forcing young Muslim girls to marry old Muslim men came from, well, now you know, straight from Muhammad, right after he saw the world’s cutest little six year old girl.
That’s right, Muhammad saw something he wanted and the best way to get it was to have Allah pronounce it good and just, and write it in the Quran.
I know what you’re thinking — “Surely they figured out Gabriel the invisible only showed up when Muhammad wanted something (that custom and decency dictated he couldn’t have) that required Allah’s intervention so the poor schlub who owned it had to hand over his most precious possession (twenty percent of his loot, or his beautiful new wife or…his six year old daughter) to a greedy, slobbering, sex fiend and pedophile.”
Maybe but remember, crossing Muhammad wasn’t a healthy thing to do. He had Asma, one of Medina’s poets and her unborn child impaled just because she wrote a funny poem about him.
And there’s lots more, robbing, fighting, killing, seances with Gabriel, visions of Allah, more money, more wives, more everything, all the while Muhammad dictates the holy rules of Islam to his assistants, telling all Muslims how they must behave, down to the tiniest details of their daily lives, down to what they must eat and which hand they must eat with and which they must not.
You know how Episode 1 ends, right?
Int. Muhammad’s House — Night
Muhammad’s on his deathbed. He whispers into his young wife’s ear. We can’t hear what he says.
Aisha says: “Insh Allah.”
And he dies…or flies to heaven on a winged horse (in which case we need to increase our CGI budget).
Aisha said in his dying words Muhammad ordered all his followers to enslave or kill everyone who doesn’t believe in and give tribute to Allah —
— condemning the rest of the world, everyone not in the tribe of Islam to slavery or death.
There weren’t any other witnesses but, that last dictum was likely close to what he said, and since it was the last thing he said, it took precedence over everything that came before it, and may have been exactly what he said, since that’s what Muhammad had been doing ever since the Jews made the mistake of letting him into Medina.
And Muhammad’s followers have been following his last dictum ever since, killing or enslaving hundreds of millions, Jews, Christians, Hindus, Buddhists, atheists, anyone silly enough to not get with the program and bow down and pay Islam tribute. Cairo, Constantinople, Barcelona, Madrid, Rome, Bucharest, Vienna, there’s no end of hilarious stories, fourteen-hundred years of funny stuff.
We’re talking franchise here. Star Wars sucks compared to this and, it’s still happening. 911 was just another episode. Only Allah knows what next year, the next episode will bring, unless...we do something to stop it.
And that’s what this is all about……not just a joke at Islam’s expense.
This is how we end Islam’s bloody reign of terror, not by shooting a billion-four-hundred-million people, we end Islam by making fun of it, by making it so uncool that young people don’t want to be Muslims, by revealing it for what it was, a financial scam that succeeded beyond its scammer’s wildest dreams, enriching him and his followers while legitimizing every vice he and they possessed and normalizing degrees of violence and cruelty never before seen.
Vlad Dracul, aka Vlad the Impaler, the guy known for dipping his bread in his victim’s blood while they slowly died in front of him, was a freedom fighter against Islam. His people welcomed him because, for awhile, he managed to keep the Muslims out of what is now Romania.
That’s right, his people feared and hated the Muslims more than they feared and hated Dracula, the guy who had his army impale twenty-thousand people at a time and drank their blood for effect.
Picture the set piece.
Ext. Bucharest — Day
Thousands of Muslim warriors, impaled on twenty foot poles.
CLOSE ON ONE OF THE IMPALED: He gulps “Where did he learn this thing, impaling people?”
“From us.” His impaled buddies all feebly, painfully nod in agreement.
Yeah, that’s how the practitioners of The Religion of Peace used to torture infidels, by hitching a pair of horses to a post and driving the post slowly up through the intestines, carefully missing the heart and lungs, then standing the post up and leaving them hanging there, hopefully for days until they died.
Yes, Islam, the very same one your friends are calling the religion of peace.
Spielberg, pure Spielberg.
“And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”
Interesting, isn’t it? Christianity reveals all, while Muhammad insisted on concealing the truth.
Muhammad ordered his followers to lie about Islam to all non-Muslims. It’s called Taqiya, or Taqiiya, strategic lying. Muhammad even included it in the Quran. Muslims must hide the truth about Islam and their intentions from we, the infidels until they have the weapons and numbers to conquer us.
Yes, that’s specifically what it says.
Either well meaning apologists for Islam are taken in by Taqiiya or, they choose to ignore the fact that Jihad, the persecution and slaughter of non-Muslims and, lying to hide the truth of Jihad from the world are both fundamental to Islam so, whenever their Muslim spokesmen say “That’s not the real Islam.” they’re doing exactly what Muhammad and Allah ordered them to do, lie, until they have the numbers and weapons to prevail.
That’s why the truth is so important. The truth is their weakness. If we taught the Quran and the real history of Islam in our schools there’d never be another American convert to Islam. Even the densest among us would, if we knew the whole truth of Islam, see through the scam immediately.
If we go wide with this idea and, do it well, shine the full light of day on Islam, maybe this book of violence and hate and the religion founded upon it will die of its own tawdry tackiness.
It is so uncool.
It’s that or, submit to whatever will be Islam’s version of seventh century slavery, or — try to kill one-point-four-billion people.
I like my strategy; instead of trying to shoot all of this generation of Muslims, lets stop generations of Jihadi’s yet-to-be before they’re entrenched in their Jihadi ways.
Remember Otto, in “A Fish Called Wanda”? The perfect mix of aggression, greed, jealousy, clueless ambition, lethal skills and stupidity. Kevin Kline would make a great Muhammad.
